Chris Rock & Joe Pesci

So this past weekend I got a nice letter from the Lawrence County Circuit Court informing that I was required to attend a “Family Court Facilitation Project Intake Conference.”  And then there was the important part of it.  Make sure each of you have $20.00 in cash with you, or be prepared to answer to the judge as to why you didn’t pay the money.  It kinda reminded me of a scene from a movie.

WARNING, THIS SCENE HAS EXTREMELY FOUL LANGUAGE

I realize that some people going through a divorce have much more money and belongings than Jennifer and I.  And I also realize that many couples going through a divorce hate each other and can’t agree on anything.  Jennifer and I are not like that, we are at a minimum civil, and I would say we are at least friendly.  Neither of us has a lawyer and neither of us are fighting for anything.  But we are required to go to this “conference” to tell them how we have already decided to split everything up.  And then they will make another appointment where we get to go back again.  Oh and don’t forget to bring the money.  I don’t know how much it costs to file for divorce, but I know it is at least close to $200.00, but now they want more…

It really kinda irritates me that I have to waste what is going to amount to almost ½ a day and pay them to sit through this…

The new me and Shaq

So through all that has went on in the last year or so, I am discovering a new Jason.  Oddly though, this new Jason looks a lot like an older version.  But the older version went by a different moniker…  Most of the people who knew me back then called me Shaq.  

There is probably a good chunk of you who have come into my life well after I had tried to end this, so I should explain some.  In high school and college I had a nickname; it was Shaq (thanks Sammy Martin).  And when I say nickname, it is really an understatement.  It was just want everyone called me, including a lot of my teachers and professors.  I still have a very small, very close group of friends who still call me this periodically.  When they do this, I both cringe and warm inside.  By no means am I asking people to start calling me that again, but if you do I’m not asking you to stop either, I appreciate it (kinda)…

The biggest common factor between Shaq and the new me is self confidence.  I mean, really, it takes a some self confidence to introduce yourself as Shaq.  Especially when it is a college professor asking what you would like to be called. 

When I was in high school, I always wanted to be somewhere doing something with people.  I could make people laugh better than most.  Then sometime over the last 12 years that went away.  I don’t know when, and I don’t know why, but it got to the point where I would come up with lies to avoid being around people.  Well, slowly and surely I’m finding this new old me. 

I feel like a different person than I was even 6 months ago.  I can point at a variety of different factors.  The first reason is my faith.  I spent a long time looking for my affirmation from people instead of God.  The second reason is a large loss in weight.  I look much slimmer than I used to, I’m buying new more trendy clothes instead of wearing the same old stuff I’ve always worn.  I don’t know how many times I’ve told people that “I know I look good” in the last couple of months, but that is something that I never would have thought before, let alone said out loud.  Another reason is encouraging words from my friends and family.  A lot of times I think people underestimate the power of positive words.

Thanks to my friends for their encouraging words.

Jason (AKA Shaq)

Opinions and Buttholes

To borrow a quote (and slightly modify it), opinions are like buttholes, everyone has one and they think everyone else’s stinks… 

So, if that is the case, why are so many people concerned with everyone else’s opinions?  Or more specifically, why am I so concerned about what everyone else thinks about me?  I mean really, it seems like everything I do, I think about what others will think of it, or me.  Sometimes I wonder, am I the only one like this, or is everyone like this as well.

Seriously, it seems like everything I do, I have to process it through my filter. 

Okay, so I’m going there, what should I wear?  What will people think of what I’m wearing? 

Okay, I’m talking to this person, how can I word what I’m about to say to make me look better, or even less bad?

In reality, there are really very few opinions that matter.  There are the opinions of my friends and family, who love me and are only concerned about my well being.  There is my opinion of myself.  And most importantly there is the opinion of God.  As long as I am pleased with myself and am doing my best to please God, and not doing things to hurt my friends and family, why does it matter what anyone else thinks.  And why should I let it dictate what I say, do or wear?

But then again, that is much easier said than done, huh?

Tebow. A great witness?

So, yesterday I was watching the end of the Denver Broncos game, and on the last play I came out of my seat and hit a chandelier I was so excited.  Did I mention that it was a Denver Broncos game?  If I were ranking my favorite NFL franchises they certainly would not be in my top 5, possibly not my top 10.  But here I am yelling and standing during the last play of the game.  I think that much of Tim Tebow.

All of that said, I wonder if maybe he should tone his Christian actions and statements back some.  I’m afraid that between how much he does, and how much the media seems to blow it out of proportion that he could come across as a fake.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not questioning his authenticity, I believe he is the real deal.  But I try to put myself in the shoes of a non-Christian looking at this.  How many non-Christians see the Christians they interact in their day-to-day lives with acting like Tim Tebow?  If you make a big sale, do you go to one knee?  If you find a good deal on widgets for your employer and you are telling a coworker about it, do you give credit to “Your Lord and Savior?”

Well, maybe the problem really isn’t really with Tim Tebow.  Maybe the problem is with all the other Christians.  What if all the Christians out there took more pride in their affiliation with Jesus Christ.  What if we acknowledged Him more in our day-to-day lives and actions?  What if we weren’t ashamed or self-conscious about our “Lord and Savior?”  Which would have a greater impact, Tim Tebow, or all of the other Christians in the world?  And would the media then ride Tebow like they do?

A first

Today I became aware that for the first time in my life I’m being sued…  The papers that I both expected and dreaded came today.  So, needless to say, it was another one of those days.

It’s a funny thing how your brain and your heart can be so far out of tune.  I’ve known this day was coming, I’ve known it was coming for a while now.  My brain was expecting it.  My brain was in no way surprised.  But my heart, it was shocked.  I don’t know if it was in denial or if it was just that much of an optimist, but it fully did not think that this day would ever come.  Tonight my heart is crushed…

Saying all that, and even though it hurts right now, this will result in a big step forward for me.  I will be able to fully start moving forward.  My heart and my brain are on the same page and I can start moving forward with healing.  I can start fully looking forward to what God has planned for me.

So…

I feel like perhaps I might have given the wrong impression about myself by how I started this blog.  I don’t always think about deep and philosophical things (though I admit as of late, I am think of them more often than ever before).  Frequently I think about trivial things as well.  Like right now I’m think about food and how I would like to have the same dinner I had last night again tonight…

Last night my brother, sister in law and myself went to Longhorn Steakhouse to utilize our gift cards that we got for Christmas.  We’re looking at the menu and I decided to step outside of my box and have something a little different than I normall would.  I had grilled trout topped with lobster and crab and grilled asparagus in a lemon butter sauce.  It was splendid.  Actually that’s not the word I would normally use, but when eating a meal like that, it seemed more appropriate than my simple language.  But instead tonight we are ordering pizza and watching the IU game.  I suppose that’s not too bad, but it’s not grilled trout with lobster and crab…

My New Normal

So yesterday was a really rough day for me.  I got a promotion yesterday morning and that was pretty exciting for a little while.  I texted some friends, I threw it out on Facebook and it was great to get all kinds of encouraging words.  But then I had this desire to go back to my old normal.  I wanted to share my excitement with Jennifer.  When you are married to someone for 11 years, you get kinda of used to sharing with them.  All of our highs and lows for those years, we shared.  And now, I have this exciting high and my natural reaction is to want to share it with her…  But in my new normal, that’s not how it works anymore.

Then I come home, for the time being it’s the 2^nd bedroom in my brother’s condo, (which I appreciate more than words can express) and my brother and sister in law are having another couple over to play games.  I was invited to participate, but I have my backwards moments and last night was one of them, so I declined.  Well listening to them to laugh and have a good time reminded me more of my old normal.  In my old normal we had good friends that we would get together with and play games, laugh and have a good time.  In my new normal, that really doesn’t happen much…

My therapist tells me that it’s natural to have these swings when I will get sad looking at my new normal and comparing it to my old normal.  He said it’s a roller coaster and eventually I will look around and my new normal would seem, well normal…  For right now, my new normal doesn’t feel very normal, and sometimes that makes me sad.

Today was better.  And it helps to get it written out.  I know that there is a future out there for me where my new normal, feels good.  God promises it.  But for now, all I have is my current normal, and as hard as it is at times, I will do my best to be content with it.

A New Year

I don’t specifically remember thinking a year ago “I wonder what this year holds for me?”  But, if I had, I assure you that my answer would not have been anywhere close to what has actually happened..  And within that, a lot of the things that happened in my life, I probably didn’t handle the best way I could have.  For that, I have many regrets.

So, looking ahead at a new year ahead of me, I AM asking myself “I wonder what this year holds for me?”  To be honest, I don’t have a clue.  But I have hope.   I know that God has plans for me.  And regardless of what those plans are, I hope I handle them better than I did this past year.  This year my goal is to handle everything with as much grace as I can.  Grace in abundance.  I will do my best to make that my life theme for the next year: “Grace in abundance.”