Who's the winner?

Since Wednesday’s “Chick-fil-a Day” I have come to a conclusion.  Satan is the only one who wins in this whole deal.

I’ve said for a long time that this country is in real trouble if our politicians can’t find some common ground to work from.  To give up the us versus them mindset.  If Republicans block anything the Democrats want to get done and the Democrats block anything the Republicans want to get done, guess what.  Nothing gets done.

In the last 4 days I’ve seen every sort of post from people about the Chick-fil-a controversy and the subsequent Chick-fil-a Appreciation day.  And from where I’m sitting it looks like an us versus us situation.  The “Bible Thumper Christians” versus the “Free Love Christians.”  We are so busy fighting about which of us is wrong that nothing gets done. 

I lump myself into one of those groups, and I know people who put themselves in the other. (Though I think we would all argue with the extreme titles I've given them)  And I’ve read the posts from the other group and thought to myself “How can they be so narrow-minded and disagreeing?”  And then today I looked in the mirror, guess who is being narrow-minded and disagreeing too?  If we can’t find some common ground in Christ, then nothing is going to get done.

And then Satan continues to win.

Chick-fil-a Day

So…  Today I went to the mall intending to eat at Chick-fil-a.  I didn’t because I was not willing to stand in line for an hour plus to get my food.  So we’re going to approach the rest of this post with the mindset that my intent was to eat there

I’m not sure whether to be proud of my decision to eat at Chick-fil-a today, or whether I should be terribly ashamed of it.  I may be wrong, but I suspect there is no middle ground on this.  It either is a great a display of my faith, or it is a despicable act of polarizing non-love.  And unfortunately I’m leaning towards the latter.  Don’t get me wrong, I agree with Chick-fil-a and their belief of “a traditional family”  and I feel very strongly about that.  I was saddened that people were “shocked” by this belief of a Christian based business and boycotted them.  But, while I sat there eating my Pizza Da Roma, I wondered to myself; how many people are here to help make up for the boycotting and how many people are here to persecute homosexuals?  And if it is the latter, how does that fit in with Jesus’ example of loving everyone.

In an unrelated incident, I recently confronted someone who used to be a buddy of mine on something that they were doing that was, in my estimation, outside of the Word of God.  I did this with no solicitation on their part, I took it upon myself to write a letter and tell them that they were wrong.  I feel like I did this as lovingly as possible considering, but…  Despite trying to be as caring and loving as possible in this letter, you can imagine how the unsolicited criticism was taken.  Things that were already stressed between us went down hill.  I wonder how much damage was caused when a concerned Christian, who honestly cared, judged someone else.  Now I tell you, I still feel no different that their actions are still wrong according to Gods word, but how did me criticizing them do any good?

We’re called to love everyone.  I’m not sure what that looks like, especially to those who are clearly living in a manner against God’s will.  I am pretty confident though, that being polarizing and taking an us versus them mindset is the wrong way to do it. 

I’ve been getting beaten up pretty badly on this subject lately.  My hope is that in the future, I tend to show Jesus’ love first and not judge.  I read this blog the other day and it really hit home with me: http://lucallen.wordpress.com/2012/07/30/an-open-letter-to-well-everyone/  I just read it again, and it resonates with me even stronger today than it did yesterday.

Let’s love, people.  As Lucas said, “It doesn’t matter who hit first- stop hitting each other!”

The questions that keep me awake at night

I’ve been struggling with some forgiveness issues.  Two separate issues.

First, when have you given forgiveness?  If you can say that you’ve forgiven someone, and feel like you legitimately mean it, have you really forgiven them?  What if hurt or bitterness pops up again?  Can you forgive if the person has never even asked for forgiveness?

Second has to do with the forgiveness of Christ.  Where does repentance fit in to the forgiveness of Christ?  To receive forgiveness do you have to hold to your repentance?  What if you have repentance but then lapse into old sins?  What if you ask for forgiveness fully planning on continuing to sin?

Just some of the questions that have been keeping me up at night…

If you have any thoughts or answers please share.

Chapter Closed

In the mail yesterday I receive the letter that informed me that I am officially not married anymore.  Honestly I expected it much earlier than this, so it certainly wasn’t a surprise.  But yet, it is still very bittersweet.

If you had asked me a year ago today where I would be today, this would not have been my guess.  If you told me 2 years ago this is where I would be I would have told you that you were crazy.  But yet here I am.  It is not a horrible place.  In fact, I kinda like where I’m at.  If I wanna play softball 3 or 4 nights a week, I can.  If I want to sit on the couch and watch a baseball game with a beer, I can.  If I had my choice 6 months ago, I would have not chosen this route.  But you don’t always get to make the choices.  Sometimes you just have to deal with what comes.

I feel that I have dealt with what has been thrown my direction well.  I could have gotten depressed and felt bad for myself.  I could have shrinked away from life and just went through the motions.  But I didn’t, I chose to grow through this.  I’ve learned to trust God in this that he has plans for me.  And that those plans are what he sees as best for me.  I have learned who my true friends are and appreciate them beyond words. 

But with all of that said, 11 years of life just don’t go away in a few months.  There are still days when I wish that I had someone to come home to and just be with.  There is something to be said for having someone who you can just sit with and be happy.  There are times that I wish I had someone there to share my ups and downs with.  There are nights that when I go to bed I wish I had a set of cold feet up against my leg.

But that will come again.  The old chapter has ended.   A new chapter has opened.  Eventually this chapter will end, and another will open.  Who knows what the next new chapter looks like, but I know what this chapter looks like, and it’s not so bad.  Hopefully that next chapter is even better.  My prayer is that when the book is complete that I end up being the hero of the story and not the villain.

Long time no blog...

So it’s been a while since I blogged.  But for most of that time, nothing exciting really happened.  That changed a lot within the last week or so.  Last Saturday I moved into my apartment.  It’s a big 1 bedroom in Bloomington.  It has a nice little patio out the back door with about 20 feet of grass and then a small wooded area.  When I got home tonight and was walking in there were 2 deer in my back yard. It will be perfect to just go out the back door and walk the dogs (which I get back on Sunday).  On site it has a 24 hour fitness center, which includes a racquetball court (no need for a membership to the Y anymore), and an indoor heated pool and hot tub.

When I moved in I adopted one of the cats back.  I had stopped into the shelter a couple of weeks earlier and asked them if they still had any of them, they still had all 3.  I asked them which was the least likely to be adopted and they told me Spazz.  Apparently he was very stand offish and wouldn’t let people pet him.  So he’s my new roommate.  I was worried about how he would adapt, because I was never his favorite, but he has adjusted quite well.  He always wants to be in my lap and sleeps in the bed right next to me at night.  I suppose it’s possible that between me being the only person here and it being much better here than the shelter that he has no choice but to like me.  Here he is wanting to take a nap on me during a lunch.

I kinda figured that when I moved into my apartment and was living by myself I would feel sad or lonely, but it hasn’t been that way.  Granted I haven’t even been here a week yet, but it feels pretty natural, for the time being.  To be honest this is really the first time I’ve been out on my own, all by myself.  Even in college I was in the dorms.  I really am quite surprise how well I’m adapting and how natural it feels.   I’ve had little opportunity to entertain yet, so if anybody is ever in Bloomington and wants to come chill with me at my apartment give me a shout.

A confession...

So, I have a confession.  It really pains me to admit this.  Months ago, if someone confessed this to me I would judge them.  And to be honest, I probably have judged other people for this already.  Before I started, the idea of it just felt wrong, it almost repulsed me.  But…  Now that I have tried it, I’ve found that I really like it, and I can’t seem to get enough. 

As you may have (or likely haven’t) noticed that I haven’t blogged for a while.  It’s because a big part of my free time has been occupied with this thing.  It seems like every time I sit down with free time, I just turn to this.  So here it goes:

I love the Harry Potter books.

I just can’t put them down.  I started reading them because I’ve been badgered by so many people that I needed to read them.  So, to appease them I started reading the first book.  Really, it was my thought that I would get through the first book and then be able to say I gave them a try and hated them.  But I don’t.  In fact I quite enjoy them.  The subject of Wizards and Witches has never interested me in the slightest, but despite that I really like them.

So there it is, my deep dark secret… (or at least one of them)

Learning to Ride a Bike

So I haven’t blogged for a while.  A lot of that has to do with a fear of laying it all out there.  It’s hard to come up with topics that you can share a little bit of yourself, but still not really expose too much.  Well, I guess I’m going to try to take a step out of my comfort zone here.

You wanna know what scares me?  At some point in the future, (which I don’t know when will be) I’m going to start dating and looking at starting relationships.  Actually, this doesn’t scare me, it terrifies me.  Some will think that this doesn’t seem like all that big of a deal.  But they don’t really know much about my past.

To be honest, I’ve only been in one long lasting serious romantic relationship.  And even thinking back about it, I’m not really sure how it developed, it just did.  I don’t really remember analyzing things and trying to figure out where I stood and where I thought it was heading.  Will I know if/when a woman is really in love with me?  Thinking about my past, I don’t feel like I will. 

Because I have this fear of not being able to read where I stand in a relationship, I’m scared of not knowing if something is there or not.  People have told me, it’s like riding a bike, it’ll all comeback once I end up there.  My fear is that I haven’t learned to ride that bike yet.  I’m 33 now, and I don’t want to skin my knees trying to learn. 

That’s what scares me...

Chris Rock & Joe Pesci

So this past weekend I got a nice letter from the Lawrence County Circuit Court informing that I was required to attend a “Family Court Facilitation Project Intake Conference.”  And then there was the important part of it.  Make sure each of you have $20.00 in cash with you, or be prepared to answer to the judge as to why you didn’t pay the money.  It kinda reminded me of a scene from a movie.

WARNING, THIS SCENE HAS EXTREMELY FOUL LANGUAGE

I realize that some people going through a divorce have much more money and belongings than Jennifer and I.  And I also realize that many couples going through a divorce hate each other and can’t agree on anything.  Jennifer and I are not like that, we are at a minimum civil, and I would say we are at least friendly.  Neither of us has a lawyer and neither of us are fighting for anything.  But we are required to go to this “conference” to tell them how we have already decided to split everything up.  And then they will make another appointment where we get to go back again.  Oh and don’t forget to bring the money.  I don’t know how much it costs to file for divorce, but I know it is at least close to $200.00, but now they want more…

It really kinda irritates me that I have to waste what is going to amount to almost ½ a day and pay them to sit through this…

The new me and Shaq

So through all that has went on in the last year or so, I am discovering a new Jason.  Oddly though, this new Jason looks a lot like an older version.  But the older version went by a different moniker…  Most of the people who knew me back then called me Shaq.  

There is probably a good chunk of you who have come into my life well after I had tried to end this, so I should explain some.  In high school and college I had a nickname; it was Shaq (thanks Sammy Martin).  And when I say nickname, it is really an understatement.  It was just want everyone called me, including a lot of my teachers and professors.  I still have a very small, very close group of friends who still call me this periodically.  When they do this, I both cringe and warm inside.  By no means am I asking people to start calling me that again, but if you do I’m not asking you to stop either, I appreciate it (kinda)…

The biggest common factor between Shaq and the new me is self confidence.  I mean, really, it takes a some self confidence to introduce yourself as Shaq.  Especially when it is a college professor asking what you would like to be called. 

When I was in high school, I always wanted to be somewhere doing something with people.  I could make people laugh better than most.  Then sometime over the last 12 years that went away.  I don’t know when, and I don’t know why, but it got to the point where I would come up with lies to avoid being around people.  Well, slowly and surely I’m finding this new old me. 

I feel like a different person than I was even 6 months ago.  I can point at a variety of different factors.  The first reason is my faith.  I spent a long time looking for my affirmation from people instead of God.  The second reason is a large loss in weight.  I look much slimmer than I used to, I’m buying new more trendy clothes instead of wearing the same old stuff I’ve always worn.  I don’t know how many times I’ve told people that “I know I look good” in the last couple of months, but that is something that I never would have thought before, let alone said out loud.  Another reason is encouraging words from my friends and family.  A lot of times I think people underestimate the power of positive words.

Thanks to my friends for their encouraging words.

Jason (AKA Shaq)

Opinions and Buttholes

To borrow a quote (and slightly modify it), opinions are like buttholes, everyone has one and they think everyone else’s stinks… 

So, if that is the case, why are so many people concerned with everyone else’s opinions?  Or more specifically, why am I so concerned about what everyone else thinks about me?  I mean really, it seems like everything I do, I think about what others will think of it, or me.  Sometimes I wonder, am I the only one like this, or is everyone like this as well.

Seriously, it seems like everything I do, I have to process it through my filter. 

Okay, so I’m going there, what should I wear?  What will people think of what I’m wearing? 

Okay, I’m talking to this person, how can I word what I’m about to say to make me look better, or even less bad?

In reality, there are really very few opinions that matter.  There are the opinions of my friends and family, who love me and are only concerned about my well being.  There is my opinion of myself.  And most importantly there is the opinion of God.  As long as I am pleased with myself and am doing my best to please God, and not doing things to hurt my friends and family, why does it matter what anyone else thinks.  And why should I let it dictate what I say, do or wear?

But then again, that is much easier said than done, huh?

Tebow. A great witness?

So, yesterday I was watching the end of the Denver Broncos game, and on the last play I came out of my seat and hit a chandelier I was so excited.  Did I mention that it was a Denver Broncos game?  If I were ranking my favorite NFL franchises they certainly would not be in my top 5, possibly not my top 10.  But here I am yelling and standing during the last play of the game.  I think that much of Tim Tebow.

All of that said, I wonder if maybe he should tone his Christian actions and statements back some.  I’m afraid that between how much he does, and how much the media seems to blow it out of proportion that he could come across as a fake.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not questioning his authenticity, I believe he is the real deal.  But I try to put myself in the shoes of a non-Christian looking at this.  How many non-Christians see the Christians they interact in their day-to-day lives with acting like Tim Tebow?  If you make a big sale, do you go to one knee?  If you find a good deal on widgets for your employer and you are telling a coworker about it, do you give credit to “Your Lord and Savior?”

Well, maybe the problem really isn’t really with Tim Tebow.  Maybe the problem is with all the other Christians.  What if all the Christians out there took more pride in their affiliation with Jesus Christ.  What if we acknowledged Him more in our day-to-day lives and actions?  What if we weren’t ashamed or self-conscious about our “Lord and Savior?”  Which would have a greater impact, Tim Tebow, or all of the other Christians in the world?  And would the media then ride Tebow like they do?

A first

Today I became aware that for the first time in my life I’m being sued…  The papers that I both expected and dreaded came today.  So, needless to say, it was another one of those days.

It’s a funny thing how your brain and your heart can be so far out of tune.  I’ve known this day was coming, I’ve known it was coming for a while now.  My brain was expecting it.  My brain was in no way surprised.  But my heart, it was shocked.  I don’t know if it was in denial or if it was just that much of an optimist, but it fully did not think that this day would ever come.  Tonight my heart is crushed…

Saying all that, and even though it hurts right now, this will result in a big step forward for me.  I will be able to fully start moving forward.  My heart and my brain are on the same page and I can start moving forward with healing.  I can start fully looking forward to what God has planned for me.

So…

I feel like perhaps I might have given the wrong impression about myself by how I started this blog.  I don’t always think about deep and philosophical things (though I admit as of late, I am think of them more often than ever before).  Frequently I think about trivial things as well.  Like right now I’m think about food and how I would like to have the same dinner I had last night again tonight…

Last night my brother, sister in law and myself went to Longhorn Steakhouse to utilize our gift cards that we got for Christmas.  We’re looking at the menu and I decided to step outside of my box and have something a little different than I normall would.  I had grilled trout topped with lobster and crab and grilled asparagus in a lemon butter sauce.  It was splendid.  Actually that’s not the word I would normally use, but when eating a meal like that, it seemed more appropriate than my simple language.  But instead tonight we are ordering pizza and watching the IU game.  I suppose that’s not too bad, but it’s not grilled trout with lobster and crab…

My New Normal

So yesterday was a really rough day for me.  I got a promotion yesterday morning and that was pretty exciting for a little while.  I texted some friends, I threw it out on Facebook and it was great to get all kinds of encouraging words.  But then I had this desire to go back to my old normal.  I wanted to share my excitement with Jennifer.  When you are married to someone for 11 years, you get kinda of used to sharing with them.  All of our highs and lows for those years, we shared.  And now, I have this exciting high and my natural reaction is to want to share it with her…  But in my new normal, that’s not how it works anymore.

Then I come home, for the time being it’s the 2^nd bedroom in my brother’s condo, (which I appreciate more than words can express) and my brother and sister in law are having another couple over to play games.  I was invited to participate, but I have my backwards moments and last night was one of them, so I declined.  Well listening to them to laugh and have a good time reminded me more of my old normal.  In my old normal we had good friends that we would get together with and play games, laugh and have a good time.  In my new normal, that really doesn’t happen much…

My therapist tells me that it’s natural to have these swings when I will get sad looking at my new normal and comparing it to my old normal.  He said it’s a roller coaster and eventually I will look around and my new normal would seem, well normal…  For right now, my new normal doesn’t feel very normal, and sometimes that makes me sad.

Today was better.  And it helps to get it written out.  I know that there is a future out there for me where my new normal, feels good.  God promises it.  But for now, all I have is my current normal, and as hard as it is at times, I will do my best to be content with it.

A New Year

I don’t specifically remember thinking a year ago “I wonder what this year holds for me?”  But, if I had, I assure you that my answer would not have been anywhere close to what has actually happened..  And within that, a lot of the things that happened in my life, I probably didn’t handle the best way I could have.  For that, I have many regrets.

So, looking ahead at a new year ahead of me, I AM asking myself “I wonder what this year holds for me?”  To be honest, I don’t have a clue.  But I have hope.   I know that God has plans for me.  And regardless of what those plans are, I hope I handle them better than I did this past year.  This year my goal is to handle everything with as much grace as I can.  Grace in abundance.  I will do my best to make that my life theme for the next year: “Grace in abundance.”